Cling Wrap

This one’s more of a thought post than an update on my condition. Panels are looking good, I am safe and healthy thankfully. So enjoy the inner works of my head. Thank you again for reading this, or even if it’s just to clear a notification that Facebook gave you, Thank Y’all 🙂

Cling Wrap

I know it’s cheesy but my Mom is my best friend. If she would let me I’d get one of those traditional tattoos that said ” I love my mom ” with a big heart around it. ( The real reason I haven’t is because then I’d have to get one of my Dad and sister and having three in a row seems redundant). I have always had a good relationship with my Mom but it’s different this time around. We both are very opposite of my Father and sister in love languages. My Mom and I being the not necessarily physically and emotionally type while they are. While I can’t count the number of times I have hugged my Father I can very much count on my hands how many times my Mom and I have genuinely hugged ( it being different now ) But that’s how I liked it. We had our times when I was a teen as most parents and children do, but it wasn’t anything relationship damning. One thing about the Stewarts is we like to keep busy. I was busy with school, soccer, work, and sorority most of these past years, my Mom with teaching, being a Mom, and doing stuff around the house, My dad with the constant ins and outs of work, and my sister with gymnastics and school. Even these past summers we were left with moving down to the San Diego area and didn’t have much time together. With all of our “down time” now I’ve had more time to intimately hang out with my Mom, and to spend time together. The whole hospital experience made us come closer emotionally as well. She’s the one I would more easily cry in front of, the one that would ask me the hard-hitting questions to help me get out of a funk. Every comment or opinion or exclamation she makes is something I take to heart because I value her opinion, wisdom, and words so much. Every single word. While it has been amazing I can’t help but feel I’ve made an unhealthy attachment due to this whole experience. I can say strongly and confidently that I as a grown 20-year-old woman would murder and do crazy things if they tried to remove me from my mother’s vicinity. She’s my safe space, the one I am always laughing with, who I can confide in and so much more. We’ve bonded over our love for Crocs and I am clinging to that shared interest because there isn’t a better feeling than knowing something that makes you happy, makes that person happy too. I want to do anything I can to bond with her, make her laugh or smile, cause that’s what she’s always done for me. I admire this woman with all my heart and look up to her with the deepest adoration and appreciation. I know this journey hasn’t been easy for her either and I just want to repay her and show her that her efforts don’t go unnoticed. Even though we hang out and have bonded a lot more than in the past, I realize I can be a lot sometimes. Like cling wrap, I always wanna be with her, next to her side. I wonder sometimes if it’s too much for her. If she needs a break from me, from the chaos and emotional rollercoaster that is her daughter. I can be a lot y’all…. like a lot. But she has handled me with so much ease it’s insane, not to mention the other thousands of things she’s already doing. ( Side note: My other family members have been amazing but she is the one I have the most contact with right now okay… doesn’t mean I love them anymore or any less, they just fix other holes in this whole situation. We shall get into that later. ) Because we’ve had such a flip in our dynamic I’m scared that it will flip back. I am so happy right now with our relationship I don’t want a single thing to change. I dread the day she doesn’t come into my room to show me her outfit, ask me advice about something, or ask me to hang out with her ( my favorite thing ). I especially don’t want to think about moving out, which is trivial to most but If I could I would want to live near my parents my entire life, obviously because I’m ill it is clouding the judgment of my “future”, but I digress. I also know I’m grateful to have such a good relationship with my family to want to do that, so it makes it easier to want to be with them 24/7. Should I embrace this clingy Sydney or should I step back? Am I creating something that’s going to be a problem later? I don’t know, for now, I am going to enjoy my Mama and hope that she’s enjoying it as much as I am.

Transparency

I’m going, to be honest. If I saw my sister or child write that all about another family member I would feel left out, but I promise I still love all my family, just in different aspects and ways. My dad Has always been amazing, I can get into detail about how he and my Mom practically saved me in the hospital. But recently it’s been hard to connect with him. As he’s gotten back into work he’s been more than busy. He only comes home after 6, usually exhausted ( who can blame him ), and by the time he’s sat down to eat we are all getting ready for bed or tired ourselves. I know he hates not being able to spend a lot of time with us because that’s his love language. Kevin Stewart LOVES his family no doubt about it. So it’s hard to see him have to deal with trying to keep that aspect up, but work, fix the backyard, all the other various problems, and in the mental aspect having a sick daughter. While I want to hang out with him more, I know I can’t. There’s no resentment at all but there is a sadness that I can’t intimately hang out with him like we used to or like my Mom and I have. He still makes me the happiest girl alive when we get up early together in the morning and he asks how I am doing which usually winds up with me crying in his arms because mornings suck for me. But he knows that and still asks every single time. ( if you’ve never had a Kevin Stewart hug you are missing out ) Or when he comes home from his long day of work in his fancy suit and stops and gives every single one of us a hug and kiss before changing ( even if we’re all scattered around the house) I love that man with all my heart and soul and being, but I think our time will come in the future when he finally settles down. Sometimes I wish he would sit down next to me on the bed and just chill with me, but I know time is something he doesn’t have and I appreciate his hard work and effort so much. I love my Dad and hopefully, I can show y’all a pic of us chilling in my room soon. Lastly, but honestly the most important, my sister. This relationship has been hard to manage as of late. In the hospital I was out of it and almost dying and crying and yada yada, not a place for a teen. I didn’t want her to see me like that, but she had been left in the dark about the situation. Something that My Mom, Dad, and I probably should’ve worked harder on. She was also enthralled in Cheer, a new high school, and the trivial aspects of simply being a teenager. This is something I would never want to go through and I commend her strength throughout this whole process. While I was in the hospital, the bits I remember, I didn’t have any recollection of anyone who was outside my hospital room. Like how babies don’t have object permanence until a certain age. I was just simply trying to exist with doctors and nurses coming in every five seconds and my Mom and Dad rotating out. So when she was finally able to visit me it was like a huge door opened. Like I remembered I had a sister waiting for me. Sophia and I are 5 years apart so it is kind of hard to relate to her. But man do I love that kid, more than she knows. As I stated previously I carry the same effect as my Mom in which sometimes our idea of showing love comes out harsh or cold. As I left the hospital and have been acclimating to the world again, she has expressed how I love her but doesn’t necessarily like her. When I heard this it broke my heart. If I could drive and function 100% normally she and I would be going places 24/7, I would make her my partner in crime. But I can’t. How do you tell someone that if I would if I could without sounding like lazy bones? With her it’s always been weird to show emotions or open up I will admit. As an older sister, you want to portray yourself as a strong role model that can get through anything. Sometimes I get the confidence to ask her to hang out with me and she does for a bit then heads off to do something else. Maybe I am scared to open up about our relationship, a potential rejection factor at play. I mean she’s this smart, kind, COOL, confident, absolutely hilarious human being and I am her sickly older sister that still lives with her parents and cries at literally anything. I WANT to show her I appreciate her but don’t necessarily know how. I’ve always done better with adults than even kids my age so that doesn’t help my situation either. If anyone knows how to make a teen happy let me know. It’s one of the things I am trying to work on the most during recovery. Because family is everything I have right now. And while I have been more focused on my Mom I know and realize the importance of all my family members and how they’ve supported and are supporting me. I just hope I can give them enough back.

Ovarian Omelette Part Two

I finished my fertility journey. I know I haven’t been the best at updating so sorry y’all haven’t been getting the TRUE inside scoop but still. I originally thought it was going to be two shots at night then one in the morning… I was sorely mistaken because I ended up with more meds and 5 shots. I traipsed through however and on the last day ( the most hectic ) I was able to do everything correctly and have the surgery the next day. The surgery itself is noninvasive and is outpatient, think like pulling out a tooth. Some anesthetic and paperwork and I was on a table, legs spread open, ready to get those suckers out. I know I am lighthearted and joking almost maniacly about the situation but I do realize the importance and seriousness of all of this. I mean I went through this whole process, didn’t I? In the end, they only got 6 eggs, a low number that well…isn’t the best. Usually, they want 10-14 but after the chemotherapy I had and well me just having the eggs of a 35-year-old ( quoted from my fertility doctor) I didn’t exactly have high hopes that we were going to reach that ideal number. What is good though is that there were some to take and the ones that they did were all mature. It’s scary to think about how my legacy is now in a freezer like a rocket pop. It’s also made me feel more maternal like I had kids and now they’re gone, oddly enough. Then it becomes even weirder when you have a partner. While I am young and marriage isn’t necessarily in the nearest future, it is still hard to have a conversation with your significant other. I think I have the one that I would want to have this conversation with and he has supported me as such. But it’s even WEIRDER to have to talk about it in front of his and your families. Thankfully my kids won’t have to hear my inner thoughts of humiliation talking about my future kids to my boyfriend’s Mom. 

Relationships

In light of this blog post being mostly about my dynamics of late with everyone in my life, I feel like I haven’t given enough appreciation or attention to someone who has supported me through this journey as well, my boyfriend, Ryan. This man is crazy in love with me, I don’t know why or how he has maintained it but wow does he love me? This is extremely comforting coming out of a previous relationship that was well… a dumpster fire. I always get weird talking about my love life because I feel it’s the most personal thing to talk about. But I want to say here and now folks, I don’t care if you think it’s naive, I don’t care if you think it’s puppy love, Ryan is the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I feel like these circumstances have proven that even further and maybe boosted our relationship maturity and figurative age by a lot. Amid the mess I wasn’t talking to him at all, object permanence again, and yet I still felt his love. By him sending me little snacks that I love and trying to help me out emotionally. He communicated with my parents every step of the way. I know it was hard for him to not be able to be there physically with me, his love language, but he persevered. When I was finally mentally and physically stable enough to have visitors he took an entire week off to come visit me and only was able to come in at least three times. He stayed in his car in the hospital parking lot the entire day not knowing if he was going to be able to come in, but he waited and waited. Unfortunately during that week is when I had that psychiatric bender of Ativan and Benadryl and Morphine. So I was out of it and mean when he came to visit, yet he still came back. And there is much much more that he did but dang that man loves me. I wanna just google and brag about how good I have it with him but I kind of feel bad that I’m making you read all of this in the first place so I’ll stop there. All of that to say he’s the one. So when the fertility question and conversation came up he was more than supportive and understanding and probably fed into my maternal delusions a little too much. With all the hormones and meds going through me I was going through pregnancy/period cravings intensely and had a huge gut. So when we went out to get food we looked like a young pregnant couple. This may seem sad but I think Ryan knew I feared that I would potentially never experience pregnancy so I was sort of making up for it now. We went to Five Guys and I was hysterically crying because I was hungry and excited to have a burger, fries, and milkshake. I was embarrassed because I also looked like an overweight person crying for a burger. He decided to make the inside joke public and tell the cashier that I was pregnant. It made me laugh and feel so much better and he proceeded to buy me everything on the menu making me cry even more because I was just that hungry and excited. While I do know it’s crazy to live a pregnancy fantasy simply because I might not have it in the future, having him support me in that made me feel… sane for the first time in forever. He also had the wherewith to get me a faux push present, again because I might not get one in the future. The fact that he even knew what that was should be a statement of the kind of person he is. He’s pushed me through social anxiety with just him one on one. I can change emotions very quickly and I honestly get nervous hanging around him because I sometimes can get crabby and irritated and snap without judgment. And after all the things he’s done for me, he doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment. He has gone through it like a champ and has never judged me for it. I am so grateful that I can have a significant other that is so solid, loving, kind, supportive but strong and dignified. I mean c’mon look how cute my fisher boy is. And the potential kids we might have are gonna be gorgeous so that’s a big plus as well ( I really hope My family and his don’t read this because that would be embarrassing ) Okay there’s my sappy dialogue, PDA ( would it be writing display of affection, WDA?) Sydney’s going back in the closet for today.