Croc Fever

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while y’all I will say I have had quite the writers block because of the brain fog that’f floating in my brain, but here you go and as always thanks for reading, I love you all 🙂

My time at home has been interesting. It has had challenges and discoveries, but best of all progress. One of the main discoveries that I made was that my online shopping addiction was a problem. Not like how people gamble away their mortgage addiction levels but maybe see just close enough. Amazon is deadly especially when you’re a person recovering and using their computer for everything. The excitement of when it was coming, getting notifications that it shipped, and of course the gratification of when it got there is amazing. And you get the item you wanted. My bane has specifically been Jibbitz and Crocs. Crocs adorned my feet 24/7 in the hospital so they’re mostly a comfort item now. They were comfy, stylish, somewhat affordable, and easy to take on and off with my weird grippy socks. I want so many pairs now that I feel like regular shoes are obsolete. The wish lists that I compulsively make are adorned with items that my bank account isn’t NECESSARILY equipped to fight. Being out of a job for a good 3-4 months isn’t the best for my poor account and the Crocs website isn’t helping. The only shoes I would probably wear otherwise would be Converse, another shoe that I love and want 400 pairs of. Safe to say this is all a big announcement to say that if you see me wearing decked-out Crocs with every outfit you now know why. I also have decided to undergo a fashion style change, whether it is short-term or not is still up in the air. Ever since I moved down here I refused to conform to the beach style that most teens were wearing, sticking to my somewhat flashy, show-off-my-body type of clothes. Not wanting to be one of those beach girls who only wore linen pants and sandals all the time. Well, I may have caved and I am now fully immersed. I have realized the importance of comfort > and expectations. Obviously with my body now changing and my severe bloating caused by my prolonged steroid use, the wearing of shorts and a crop top have now changed. My new style is what I want to call Mom Beach Chic. I find pride in wearing ugly comfy clothes, it’s fun and honestly has brought me a lot of peace. They may be just clothes, but honestly, I’ve never felt more confident than when I’m wearing my old navy linen one-piece and decorated Crocs. One of the biggest things I was able to realize is the big phrase “Who cares” Who cares if someone thinks your Crocs are ugly? I like them and think they’re cute. Who cares if people think you’re pregnant or fat cause your severely distended belly is bloated from all your medication? Who cares that people stare when you get out of your wheelchair and walk to the bathroom? WHO CARES. I feel like I’ve had one of those moments that they talk about in recovery where you have a big epiphany or mindset change. So I guess I owe a big thank you to Amazon, Old Navy, and Crocs. Hopefully, I can visit you again soon.

Exhaustion

I am tired 24/7. I think I’ve said this so many times you probably are tired of hearing that I am tired. They always say to never nap too late into the day because then you won’t sleep well at night and yada yada. So it’s really hard to fight the sleep that wants to get me all day and wait until the late hours of the day. Only to get about 4-5 hours of sleep and wake up the same level of tired I was previously. It’s exhausting being exhausted, so I have been searching for ways to up my energy that somehow won’t make me too jittery and wired. Which seems counterintuitive but I just want to feel like I am not a walking zombie. It doesn’t help that I have steroid bone pain and soreness from working out my little muscles. I was able to find a drink that helped me get through the day and it has helped a little. It is an oat milk-based drink with CBD and mushrooms ( Not like the oh God I’m seeing stars in the couch mushrooms like Reishi and Cordyceps etc. ) If you’re against all that stuff or think it’s a hoax I am here to tell you it does indeed work. The CBD can relieve my pain for about a good 4 hours and the Chai tea flavor has a minimal amount of caffeine that lifts my energy just enough to not make me anxious. However, I don’t want to become dependent on a niche hippie drink to get through my day so I drink it sparingly. The next option I have to fix this drowsiness is to taper off my Atarax ( anxiety medication ) in the morning. Something I honestly don’t know if I can do. Again, I anxiety about my anxiety medication, who would’ve guessed?

Productivity

Because I am so tired I always feel like taking a nap. Well, duh obviously Sydney but it is different when you’re supposed to be healing. Every time I want to take a nap or lay down and do nothing I feel like I’m wasting my time. Like there’s something I need to be doing to aid in my recovery. People don’t usually take naps in the middle of the day so why are you? You should be doing an exercise to help your weak muscles, doing a post, reading, something, ANYTHING! Wanting to take a nap makes me feel like I am being dramatic about my condition. Like my previous post, Imposter Syndrome said, I just don’t feel like I am doing enough and that I am being dramatic on how this recovery is going. My family and I had a good talk about this and it honestly made me feel a lot better, but there are still some lingering feelings about it. Like the hospital, the days sometimes repeat themselves in a scheduled fashion, not that I mind since it’s what I’m used to now. But it gets harder and harder as I realize I eventually am going to have to step out of it. My OCD has come back into full effect and now that I have a schedule I am too afraid to stray. I can say that I am more flexible with my medication as I now can fluctuate with an hour in between without panicking or getting scared. Other than that I don’t want to wake up a second earlier or change my night routine. I’m scared that if I change anything my day might get worse, something bad might happen, I will have another panic attack, my anxiety will be worse, and I will be even more tired… I might get sick again. So if I stick to what I know that works and has been working then nothing bad will happen. My OCD is something I don’t often talk about because not only are people ill-informed on the topic but mostly when I tell people I have it they don’t believe me or think that I mean I’m severely organized. Even telling it to my family is something I haven’t done yet. I mentioned it here and there and it was brushed off as “No you don’t ” How do you tell someone that the fact that they moved the thing you put down in the wrong way and now I am worried something bad is going to happen? Or that if I don’t eat my food in 2’s and 4’s that I freak out and want to cry. It’s something I was previously working on with my school therapist in my freshman/ beginning Sophomore years of college. We would set out a pile of my snacks and he would make me eat them in 1’s and 3’s ( the worst numbers ever ). It would send me into a panic and make me feel a sense of impending doom and gloom. My thing is form, schedule, and routine. It makes me feel safe and in control.

Food Addiction

All I can say is food is both my friend and enemy right now. Steroids have increased my appetite 10 fold and make me crave everything in between ice cream and a hot Cheeto burrito from Rosie’s ( something I haven’t been able to have unfortunately) It’s a balance of trying to fix my tiny body and trying to carry my massive full belly from eating too much. I am also an anxious eater so that has been fun trying to reign in. It has become such a problem that my family gave me a mini intervention about it. The bone marrow transplant will wreck me from top to bottom so I need to be in peak form when I am admitted. Meaning I will have to be the healthiest version of Sydney that I can be. My parents are concerned that I will become unhealthy from the stuff I have been eating and at the levels at which I am consuming it. When I eat I can never tell if it’s because I am hungry, anxious or just eating cause I’m bored. Since I want to live and give myself the best chance through the bone marrow transplant, I have committed to eating less and eating more intuitively ( healthier ). It honestly has been hard trying to hold back the urge to pound back a whole ziplock sandwich bag of Cheez-Its or Honey Bunches of Oats cereal. I indulge here and there don’t get me wrong but I think I’ve been somewhat decent at reducing my garbage food intake levels. Sadly, it does now give me anxiety every time I want to eat something. I feel guilty for wanting more food after eating a full meal. But again, this is just something I’m going to have to get through. I can and I will.

Sunshine and Rainbows

I started to realize that outings with my family are one of the most healing medicines I have. With my failure to abandon my morning and night schedule, and anxiety when I’m not doing anything “productive” when I can go out and about with my family it means the world to me. I can be distracted and it usually is a food-related outing so who wouldn’t be excited about that? We have been frequenting farmers’ markets left and right, mostly because it’s open-air and easy to access in our area. But someone can only go to so many farmers markets so it is hard to find alternative things to do. I also feel bad always wanting to go places because my Mom drives me to the thousands of appointments that I have all the time. My Dad only is home from the hours of 5 pm-9 pm and is usually exhausted from his day and my sister is usually tired from her 2-hour cheer practices. We have been able to go to some places on the weekend and those are the days I cherish the most. Sometimes it makes me sad that I have to go home and lollygag around while my family is equally exhausted. Knowing that we might have an outing the next day makes me feel excited and gives me something to look forward to besides getting poked and prodded at. My boyfriend Ryan has been coming down more too and has been amazing at lifting my spirits and giving me stuff to do. So far we have been to the movies, had a cute picnic with food from the farmers market, and had a fun movie night with a fat burger and fries. I’ve been trying to enjoy these moments, when I’m happy. It’s hard when I know the outing or event is going to end soon and I’ll be left in the house again with my thoughts. Ruining my happiness with my anxiety, which the outing was supposed to help in the first place, ahhhhhh. I am trying I promise, it’s just a cycle of blahnesss and aghgarbleshness( I hope that translates from word to sound well ) If someone knows how to not dread when the feeling of happiness ends let me know.

Ovarian Omelette

I started my egg retrieval journey today. It’s two shots at night, then in a couple of days, I will have 3. These will make me bloated, and moody and make me feel like I have a raging period minus the blood… yay. I have to drive 45 minutes every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday to get an ultrasound and bloodwork done in La Jolla. The process will last two weeks with an outpatient surgery happening on the tail end of the second week. In which they’ll spread me open and suck them suckers out and hopefully get enough to where I don’t have to go through another round. There’s a lot of specific details but I think y’all just want the gist of it.