A “New” Normal

Strap in! this is a long post ( kind of a 2 parter to be honest ), not too positive, and mostly word vomit, but I always appreciate that y’all take the time to read these so thank you 🙂 It means a lot.

Normal. A word that I always used to throw around casually and without care. Recently I’ve had to reframe what my normal is going to be, my ” new normal” My biggest fear about coming home was that I wasn’t ever going to feel like the old Sydney again. Do I even remember what that was like? It was only months ago that I was scrambling around to work, school, and sorority meetings. I look back and try to remember what THAT normal was like, but to no avail. Almost like I wouldn’t even know normal Sydney if she presented herself again. I recently went out and ate at a restaurant with my Mom and her friend. A big endeavor considering I have only been out into the public a couple of times these past few months. I was anxious of course, but after it happened I didn’t feel any type of way. I didn’t feel like I had accomplished anything or overcome a tough anxiety battle. It felt…. boring. Not the conversations we had, of course, the food was amazing, but it was just normal. We perused the mall after and of course, shopping makes me happy so that was fun, I got to spend time with my Mom and our neighbor Mrs. Mel who’s hilarious, so that made my day. But I can’t get over the fact that my new normal was… boring. Having no anxiety, pain, worry, or panic was weird. I had been having these mental battles every single second for the past 3 months so IT not being there was odd. I try to look at those moments when my head is clear. To savor those instances where I feel “normal” But is what I am going to have ever be normal again? It’s scary thinking that I was going to hype up coming back and reinvent myself and get back to “normal” but end up not liking it. The thing about anxiety is that it can easily feed off of any living particle that could exist on this Earth. I started getting anxious that my absence of anxiety was going to be short-lived. That I was going to have a panic attack because I wasn’t having my “normal” feelings of fogginess, worry, and panic. Funny thing isn’t it, the mind. I have to remind myself that I have medicines that are preventing me from having these feelings/somewhat producing them too. While I have weaned off of them in the night time, my anti-anxiety medication, Atarax ( 50 mg of Hydroxyzine Hydrochloride ) Makes me drowsy and hazy during the day. The high-dose steroid I am on, Decadron ( 6mg of Dexamethasone ) has a heap full of side affects especially if you’re using it long term. Does it sound like I’m whining? I don’t want y’all to think I’m throwing myself a pity party or boohooing that I went to the hospital and now have trouble going out in public. I just want to inform you why and how I feel this way. That it’s not just in my head, that it’s not just ME holding myself back. That hey maybe it’s x,y,z. I also don’t want you to think that I’m saying regular life is boring, I’m just saying it FEELS boring. It feels like that because I am finally able to be clear-headed, to be “normal” Thanks to my new sleep meds I have slowly been able to get genuine brain/ REM sleep so there’s always a two-hour window in the morning where I feel like the old Sydney. The night-time anti-anxiety meds are wearing off and the steroids are on the way out of my system. I feel great and motivated and clear-headed. Then I get to load up on anti-depressants, steroids, anti-anxiety meds, and the other million supplements they have me on and I’m right back into it. So it’s been interesting trying to figure out when I will ever feel “normal” again. I know I may be dramatic or may be over stressing my situation, but that’s where I am now. With my everyday mental battles and stepping in and out of clear-headedness and brain fog it may take some time. I just have to realize that these feelings and hardships may be my new normal. A new Sydney that is ever-evolving and fighting. I know that I can do it if I got through those hellish hospital stays, so I say bring on my new normal.

Guilty

Like I’ve said in my previous posts, while the hospital sucks, there was something comforting about the routine there. My days were as predictable as they could get. I am also a routine kind of girl. It gives me comfort in planning and executing orders. Another big cause of my worries is navigating and stepping out of the routine that I’ve had for about 3 months. It feels weird not doing my daily walks at and before my meals, not having the nurse take my temperature every 4 hours or so, and having my meals come exactly 45 minutes after I order them. Because of the strict schedules they had me on, I have an immense feeling of guilt stepping out of it. Like I’m doing something wrong. Because my medications have some big girl drugs that take about 45 minutes to kick in, I have to plan when to take them. By no means do I need to be getting up at 6 am to be taking my first round of morning meds? I could shift it so I wake up at 8 and shift everything a couple of hours. That would be the most viable, smart option. But since I have been waking up at 5:30 -6 am by nurses and bloodwork to take my meds every day for the last 2-3 weeks, I still do this at home. I get scared thinking about even veering off for 30 minutes. This includes physical exercise as well, another struggle. I was always motivated to do my hall walks and stretches and workouts in the hospital by my parents and nurses. I did them and it was my accomplishment of the day and made me feel successful knowing that I did something to help myself. At home, this is a lot harder and I am a lot weaker. I have a set of stairs that lead up to my room that are killing my legs. I still can’t get up that well but it was better than the first day I came home. Healing yourself takes time, I know that. It isn’t linear or easy but I feel like I am slowing myself down. The body healing was easy in the hospital because it was routined in for me. So whenever I sit for a long time, use the wheelchair to get around, or wobble when I walk I feel like I am not doing enough. Like I’m being lazy in my recovery/ not being productive enough. I can walk, I was walking in the hospital the day before I was discharged, so why was I struggling so much right now? I noticed that I was falling into the trap of comfortably being sick. Using my feelings of muscle fatigue, nausea, and body pains as a reason to not do things. I like being wheeled around honestly, Long distances are still on the recovery horizon for me, but it is again mixed with feelings of guilt. I will admit that there have been times when I could’ve walked but chose to be wheeled around instead. I feel culpable that I don’t like that there could be a time when I wouldn’t have a wheelchair available for me or someone to help me up the stairs. This mixed with the fact that I am going to have to do this whole physical recovery again post Bone Marrow Transplant makes me feel again unmotivated to recover in the first place. But it also makes me feel guilty that I’m not trying hard enough to recover. See how crazy that anxiety loop is? Gotta love it.

Good things 🙂 Because I know my journaling isn’t always the most positive

1. I get to see my lovely boyfriend Ryan on Sunday
2. I had a bomb lunch at Yard House ( Ahi tuna nachos, a Korean rice and beef bowl ,and a lavender mock tail )
3. My lab results are continuing to improve
4. I have the literal best support system anyone on planet Earth and beyond could have

Below is what my days have been looking like 🙂

Please feel free to ask me any questions about anything going on! I am an open book 🙂