Repeated Challenges

Being in the hospital this long has taught me the beautiful art of doom scrolling. Something that has honestly been the strongest coping mechanism for my mental health. I frequently go down a five-hour Tik Tok rabbit hole after distracting myself from “reality” or the stresses of my situation. I don’t mind it, to be honest; anything to help me get through the day. I can’t help but notice that time isn’t linear anymore, especially on tons of different medications. I remember times before I was in the hospital, but it feels like I’ve been here my whole life. The first couple of visits felt like a stint. Something I was going to get out of, heal from, and then move on with my life. But as time has gone by, it’s hard to see past the next few hours.

This blog isn’t very happy trust me I’m aware, I am working on trying to turn this into a positive. Trying to turn this slow passage of time and days into what will eventually be an “inspirational comeback story” No one tells you the comeback part is the longest and hardest part and I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface. Every day seems like a painstainking challenge just to get to the same identical day. My numbers are great, my vitals are stable, drink water, make sure you eat , make sure you walk etc. I am eternally grateful for the medical team I have, always uplifting me , fighting for me (oh and saving my life as well, that’s great too) But I can’t help but be repulsed every time I hear them say I am doing great, that I’m improving. If i’m improving then why am I not myself again, why am I not camping with my family like we do every year? I am stable and alive but I don’t feel like it sometimes, I feel like I am rotting away in a hospital bed waiting for something to hopefully cure me. Shouldn’t I be happy though? To have even the chance to get a bone marrow transplant that might cure me? It’s the time in between that scares me. Once I get out it’s another long journey to even get the transplant then we can think about ” recovery ” But I want it now. I want to feel like the old me, now.

Writing Prompt of the Day:

• Mirror Mirror: Write about the most beautiful thing you can imagine.

Love. Something that I felt I’ve admired my entire life. So much so I have a tattoo representing it’s healing power. Love is tragically beautiful because it can create and destroy anything or anyone. thankfully, I happen to be graced with love every day. My family is my rock, my solitude my… love in people form. I think that’s what my positive is going to be today, the fact that my loving family has been through this with me every step and second of the way. Because love is beautiful and has been healing me throughout the background of this whole process.

Five Sounds You’ll learn to hate in the hospital :

1. The beep of an IV machine
2. The knock of bloodwork, nurses, or Doctor’s coming into your room
3. Diet and nutrition asking you to repeat your DOB and name to get your Motts applesauce
4. The ever funny code gray ( combative patient ) that gets blasted over the loudspeaker at the exact moments you find peace
5. Moving your bed in the morning and hearing the creaking of old metal